I adore a man that hurt me to the core. As a matter of fact, the days that followed after we parted will go down in Kris Bush history as one of the most difficult periods of my life. As my dear friend Emily put it-- I "felt as though I'd been raked over the coals on this one." For months there was no communication between us except for me gathering all his belongings he'd left in my condo and then dumping them on his front porch. Oh, and there were nights where I'd had an adult beverage and texted him horrible things. Ok, let's be real... some of those times I was as sober as an Alabama judge and was just full of piss and vinegar. Let me tell ya, "unforgiving" is an ugly color on me.
Now, he had every opportunity to be ugly back, but didn't. Not that he had the right to. After all, I was the one hurt. I was the one wronged. Can we say "Pity... party of one. Your table's ready." I still haven't totally forgiven him. But I'm definitely working on it. My want to let it go gets stronger day by beautiful day. Especially since the more I forgive, the better I feel ( as I'm sure he does as well :-) ). I don't wanna forget what happened and how I felt before I started forgiving. I want to remember I'm making progress in a situation. I get really excited now when I can just let stuff go, look back and realize the bigger picture and move forward. I am continually amazed by how much we as humans don't challenge ourselves to let go of the stuff that holds us back, sometimes for decades.
Oh, and how frigging good does it feel to be the one forgiven? Case in point:
A friend of mine had asked that I go into a joint venture while going through the above situation. Now, did I hope that I could do everything I'd promised. Of course. But the key word here is "hope". I didn't know that I could. So, with that being said I fell short of our agreement. Yep, me. I had wronged a friend. Talk about feeling like a jackass.
Did I apologize? Absolutely. And did she hold it against me? Absolutely, and with every right. She had to process it all. And, like the guy above, I had to realize it was my fault. I had put myself in that situation. Since then, we've talked over things and all is good in our world. Thank God! I really couldn't live with this girl being mad at me. I love her and the last thing I want is for something that's not gonna matter on our deathbeds to prevent us from having a continued friendship.
Sometimes you just gotta let things settle and not make rash decisions you'll end up regretting. You know... those crazy wagers we do in our heads like "I'll NEVER forgive/let go of this" in an attempt to make the other person "pay for it" . You know who ends up cashing that check? Yep, you. You carry around that crap long enough it will make you sick. Literally. Which brings me to the final and hardest person to forgive... yourself.
All I have to say about how to forgive yourself for making not-so-smart decisions is they have been made. Stop making yourself suffer. Sometimes it's an action, like making a promise you just can't keep. Other times it's no action, like instead of leaving you stay and end up hurt. And sometimes the things you hold yourself responsible for aren't even your fault. No matter the situation, one thing is true about the past... it's done. And when you forgive yourself you reap the benefits of both forgiving and being the forgiven... now that... well, it's divine.
Be good to you. Let it go.